Zeruda no densetsu kara yori ōku no kūrusutaffu

I know I've been writing A LOT about Link and his series these days.

Pictured: A LOT. Also my secretary.

But seriously, what's not to like about the most versatile hero in history? We're talking about a guy whose origins and parents are nonexistent, a normal dude (usually a farmboy) that needs only to grab a sword in hand to suddenly be able to backflip and somersault his way through dungeons, receiving particularly new equipment but nevertheless having the expertise to use it efficiently right away.

Otherwise Link would keep searching the chest for the user's manual...

Another thing that I admire about this dude (besides his ability to be part-swordsman, part-archer, part-demo expert, part-puzzle solver, 100% hero) is how easily he finds money. Seriously, if money were lying around in each patch of grass, I wouldn't live where I live right now. I'd be writing from somewhere like LA. Without shorts. Link's only limit is his verily stuffed wallet, which is more of a reason why Hyrule needs to get into the idea of using paper money.

I can't have up to 500 rupees?! This is BULLSH**!!

Anyhow, this fact is merely a drop in the 1000-gallon bucket when compared to the most puzzling aspect of Link's actions. Tough guy made out of ice? Don't worry, the fire rod is right beside the Hookshot, near the Bow you stored a few inches from three of your five bottles, which are wedged between the raft you never used after that level and the bag of bombs, laid nicely under the Master Sword's scabbard. All of this is neatly and seamlessly concealed under Link's shield.

He pulls the boomerang straight out of his ass.

Nintendo has Newton scrambling around in his grave. The Zelda series defies physics so frequently: it doesn't point out the inconvenience of having your ears imploding 30 meters underwater, nor does it explain what kind of horse stays alive after sustaining fire arrows throughout an entire game. What with every item Link obtains for each level, you might be surprised he still needs a pair of heavy-duty footwear to sink when he could just tie his knapsack (chock-full of bombs, arrows, and rupees) to his legs. The blue suit is your own choice.

 

All the more puzzling is Link's buoyancy point

Yet another thing that I find amusing is the humongous difference between any two Links in the series (mini-series like Wind Waker-Phantom Hourglass are counted, of course, as the same Link) Seriously, the demands for this game have changed Link in 25 years, changing him from this:

To this:

Just in case you're asking, yes, I omitted this one:

"Hey, gimme a break! I'm twice the fun THEY ever were..."

Yeah... while Link slowly melted into the lava at the Goron Mines, you burned your little cel-shaded ass back to the start of Dragon Roost...

You want true fun? Go play Ganondorf's favorite game.

Ever since the likes of Agahnim in A Link to the Past, you required a game of something called Dead Man's Volley to win battles. It's essentially tennis, with swords instead of rackets and the ball is an orb of dark magic that can deduce a heart from your life bar if you miss a hit.

Basically, you have to time your sword hits with the energy ball to reflect it back to Ganondorf (or any of his forms) until he himself misses and gets himself stunned. Here's the ability throughout the years:

Pictured: favorite pastime?

This reveals a little bit of trivia about our fellow villain: Ganondorf was picked on after the Gerudo Tennis Championship because of his lack of ability to return the 4th serve.

To close this entry up, here's the glory of Dead Man's Volley in a video game mix by myself!!!

Legend of Link (AKA Link Section Number Three)

(Continued from Part Deux)

The best thing about any and all video games is their ability to evolve not only in their respective concepts, but also in their own characters and places. LoL is no exception.  As I mentioned before, tentacled rock-spitting squids have been turned to quadruped rock-spitting pig... things, screwing up with gaming's most recurring minion.

However, we did notice that cool yet hard-as-brass-balls enemy that is not a boss. His name is the Darknut.

This is the only thing that can own a fey elf dressed in green...

Probably one of the few enemies in the Zelda series to resemble a human (Ganondorf's out of the question. He is a villain, there's a difference) the Darknut is essentially everything Link is not, in terms of combat. While our hero is quick and has a few sword techniques that require rolling around and somersaulting, this hulking suit of armor rams into his opponent with his shield before swinging his weapon in a large arc (or in the case of the 2-D games, thrusts his weapon 5 ft. forward)

It seems nothing can top this:

Oh wait:

At 0:17 stuff gets real.

Meet the 21st-Century-Darknut, the most badass enemy in the history of Nintendo video games. See that double-edged T-like sword? That was Ganondorf's unused sword in the Ocarina of Time artwork, that one that looked badass in Ganondorf's profile.

Get a Facebook, man. You kill it with your profile pics.

This hints to the possibility that Ganondorf himself may be a Darknut. And the dots connect themselves.

That Darknut I showed up there, however, is only a flashback of one (the battle against that particular Darknut takes place in the Temple of Time, which is basically a time machine made from stone) And let's remember that the Darknut is not a boss nor a mini-boss. Hell no, this guy's descendants come back to torment you, and evolution makes them tougher than you can ever imagine. And to top it off, every time you encounter them, they play two versus one.

Hey, Jimmy, I got him!! I GOT HIM!!

In case you wondered: no, the "Chance" strike you get with Ganondorf's final battle does not apply to these guys, no matter how inspiring that artwork may be. Yep, totally unfair.

Speaking of evolution, on the other hand, there are some things in the series that don't make any sense (I'm using this phrase loosely here, recalling that Nintendo gave up on making sense right after a certain plumber showed up)

Seriously, some things just seem impossible, even in a world where the only invincible living being is your horse. Take, of all people, Ganondorf. His race, called the Gerudo, is the Hyrule equivalent to the Greek Amazons. Yes, you read that right: the game's most recurring villain comes from a feminist, anti-man race of women from the desert.

Well, sort of. Gerudo traditions call for a man being born every century, and that man is destined to lead the Gerudo tribe. Dude generations a hundred years apart can only mean one of three things:

1. Gerudo men consist of both longevity and never-ending fertility.
2. Lesbianism between Gerudo tribeswomen actually makes them conceive children.
3. The Gerudo reproduce asexually.

I stick with #3 because it explains why all the Gerudo look almost exactly the same. Or am I being racist?

I just pissed off Ganondorf's girlfriend.

Whatever.

Well, now that were into races, let's see...

• Hylian: Obvious reference to Hyrule/Hylia. Normal people with pointed ears [see: Link]
• Kokiri/Korok/Deku: Forest people. More like forest children, actually.
• Goron: Part-sumo-wrestlers, part-demolisher. They also have a ridiculously wasteful habit of digging up and eating diamonds.
• Zora: Fishmen. They are also in shape, even at a toddler's age.
• Gerudo: see above
• Sheikah: Wait, the transgender ninja is a race?!

That's Hyrule's races in a nutshell. Of course, I'm omitting a few unimportant races, 'cuz the ones I just mentioned were either very important to the plot or otherwise very common throughout the series.

For those keeping track, I'm going to state the obvious by confessing that I am a huge fan of Zelda and Link. I grew up with a lot of the olden games (you have my Dad to thank for my first Zelda game) and even though my range of play is limited (Besides owning two emulators in my PC, all I have is a Gamecube and a Gameboy Advance) I have played the first six Zelda games as well as the 10th and the 14th ones.

My point is that, despite my own limitations (which are, well... a LOT) I'm a hardcore Zelda fan, with this being my fifth post writing about said game. To me, Link is the face of Nintendo.

ZELDA FOREVER

LoZ: Nintendo's best deal in heroic games (AKA Link Part Deux)

I have already written about the one series Nintendo has carved to perfection (But still has a few rough edges). However, we have a discontinued post in here that I have decided to rewrite.

The Legend of Zelda nowadays has become quite the thing amongst gamers both Nintendo and non-Nintendo, which seems simple to understand considering that the existence of such a game grants us the ability to dress up like an elf that doesn't vaguely look gay. Seriously, you can't debate it.

Never mind his double arrow, he doesn't save princesses for a living.

This is the second reason I personally think the games should be called The Legend of Link (the first being the fact that the initials would be more catchy: LoL) You know, because in none of those intro sequences do you get "wise princess of an olden kingdom". You get instead this:

Not this:

This:

Not this:

Yep, there's no respect for wisdom when you're kicking the most wretched pig asses this side of Hyrule. Seriously, all Zelda does in the early games is the faithful princess role in every other gallant warrior storyline: wait for the handsome knight to rescue you, usually right before or right after the greatest battle of the story itself.

Of course, in later games she gives you the silver bullet for the last battle, appropriately named the Silver Arrow because of the time period (which is still in debate for each game in the franchise) but let's not forget what desperate people are capable to do in desperate times: when the King of Evil unavoidably conquers the world, the wise princess of Hyrule escapes detection by becoming a transvestite ninja.

No sh**!!

She is supposedly instructed to do so by her nursemaid (who also happens to be a ninja) to avoid being Ganon's target (remember, she holds 1/3 of the power needed to rule the universe) The bisexual ninja, working under the codename "Sheik", teaches Link the basics of teleportation through song, which became a trend in future Zelda games. This alter ego is even present in the Smash Bros series, turning Zelda into the first Smash Bros character with more than one array of attacks (Sheik's moves were ripped off from Castlevania, but whatever)

However, Her Highness's slightly badass stunt still doesn't cover up the fact that, while Link's "Dark Link" is a separate entity, Zelda's "Dark Zelda" is actually herself, possessed by a power-hungry desert warrior who also excels as a puppeteer. In layman's terms:

BADASS

NOT BADASS

Hell, even Smash Bros Brawl laid aside Zelda's "Dark Side" and instead opted for something that makes her look more like Your Majesty Queen Zelda.

Let me state the obvious here by mentioning the fact that color customizing Zelda applies to Sheik as well. In this case he/she looks more like a ninja than he/she usually is.

TOTALLY BADASS

Continuing in Part III (for real this time)

Planking and You

It's still a few months, maybe a year or so, before people in my country catch on the now viral art of Planking. Arguably the most pointless idea ever conceived (well, before owling anyway) this "lying-down game" is basically the United States' new way to say "I HAVE NOTHING BETTER TO DO THAN LIE STRAIGHT AND STIFF... KINDA LIKE A:

It has appeared on the news and it's considered to be anything from a fun pastime to ridiculously large Facebook albums. Depending on whether or not you're planking over an officer's patrol car, it's even seen as a shameless act of trolling.

Remember those olden times when hearing the word "Plank" meant the end of your lousy career as a seaman? Today, though not as severe, planking is already a problem with authorities, and not only in public considering 7 doctors and nurses were kicked out of their hospital for "playing on-duty". Apparently these guys don't know that planking, even on safe conditions, is not a good idea when your patients are waiting.

Speaking of safety, the risky act of planking on a 7-floor balcony resulted in the first planking casualty (which the site affectionately calls a "fatality")

It was reported that even after death, the man kept planking...

However, it wasn't long before YouTube came up with the second victim:

With these alarming facts, you might have expected people to have stopped this absurdly contagious activity... right?? Wait, no they're still doing it. All over the friggin world. There are a lot of pointless reasons for a good planking for anyone, including the group planking:

If you're bored waiting at the dentist, try planking over the magazines:

Need to flatten out some asphalt? Might as well flatten out yourself:

Planking on tourist sites today makes holding the Leaning Tower so ten years ago:

When zookeepers worldwide finally realize that cleaning up camel crap isn't exactly fun, they just plank:

Scored a goal? Plank:

Man, you can even have a planking wedding:

And if you get bored of planking, don't worry, your children won't:

See, even animals are aware of this trend:

Planking is simply the worst way to waste your life. I tried it once on the floor and I didn't get any satisfaction from it (on the other hand, I bent my nose 2.46 degrees to the left) It's just not worth a Facebook album.

To sum it up, planking sucks. Don't ever do it. Don't plank on the cupboard. Don't take a picture of you planking on the cupboard. Don't show your friends the picture of you planking on the cupboard. Most of all, don't even think about uploading it to Facebook, showing even more of your friends the picture of you planking on the cupboard.

Seriously, DON'T.

Who am I kidding.... Who listens to a random guy on shorts?

FREAKING NOBODY, that's who.

Heart Sorting

While it may be our (by "our" I mean "my sister and I") last day with MY favorite cousin, I can still write about whatever happens to us in the hottest place this side of Central America.

Starting with this sweet 15 of a friend of Marx I do not know. However, for some reason, her friends happen to be old acquaintances of mine... you know, classmates from my school back here.

...

Okay, okay!! Only one of the girls was a classmate. We had a heck of a good time anyways. I made new friends... and by new friends I mean I can't get the birthday girl away from my mind.

Seriously, ever since I went to that party, I couldn't stop thinking of Stephanie Marie. When I began talking to her, I just felt that we had a lot in common, starting with the fact that we LOVE ESL (despite being, you know, ESL) which we talked the whole night long.

Oh, who am I kidding... I still have Nicole on my back, although she did get scolded for a huge phone bill, so no more phone calls for a while :) Shoot I am so evil... aaaaaand her dad is over me now.

Now I seriously don't know who gets my heart now.