Why Zelda is Secretly Boring

Zelda is the one thing you think about when someone says Hyrule. If you're not familiar with Hyrule, or Termina, or Holodrum/Labrynna, or even the nonexistent Koholint Island, then you hail from either Koridai or Tolemac, so screw you, Phillips CD-i players!!

Ignoring the previous reference, Nintendo tried hard to make sure these games became a legend AND a masterpiece, complete with their own style and presenting staples only they can pull off neatly. However, I personally think that some of these staples are, well... overused.

For example, there's the greatly acclaimed sword technique known for quite a simple name: the Spin Attack.

I am Link, master of the hastily-named sword techniques!

Basically, Link (literally and visually) focuses energy within the blade, causing the sword to gleam and subsequently causing Link to be able to move facing only one direction. After focusing enough energy on the sword, Link lets go of his buttons and performs a quick spin with his sword, dealing the standard twice the damage you would deal in an usual sword strike.

The move became a phenomenon, and it returned in every single game after Zelda III: A Link to the Past where it debuted. You can see where this is going.

The move has been sort of like a spam move in the games because of its double-effectiveness when compared to a normal strike. However, games like Super Smash Bros (where the move became a special attack, nonetheless) really turned this into Link's signature move. The GameBoy Zelda games had Link's sword glow, and in the 3-D games, you could spin the blade, but the art of focusing the power had to be learned (for the exception of Twilight Princess, who had the nerve to bring back the gleam from A Link to the Past)

Another thing that really makes Zelda boring is the recurring plot device where a different Link/Zelda have to make almost every game. Of course, the games each have their place in the Zelda universe history, but how is it that every hundred years there's always a fay elf dressed in a green camisole and tights that uses a sword, paired with a mysterious wisecrack of a princess (complete with her magical wisdom-locks)

Yep, those ponytails are full of the princess wisdom that gave Ganondorf the Triforce of Power.

At least the Blue Man Group's mascot pig is not always the villain in ALL of the games... right?


Partly. Zelda II made it clear that, somehow, the deceased Ganon was still thirsty for Link's blood. That's why, when you die, the last thing you (Link) experience can only be described in five words:

Your blood is used in the resurrection of  a scary piggy.

The next game, A Link to the Past, just had to feature Ganon, because there's no way Nintendo misses the opportunity for re-designing. However, when Link visits the Wind Fish in Koholint Island (SPOILERS -- in his dreams) the Nightmare just happens to incarnate Ganon. Ocarina of Time followed, yet another opportunity to make a pig look scary.

After a break called Majora's Mask, two Zelda games were launched in pairs. The objective of this is to fully complete each game. But to fully complete the game pair, you must have both games completed separately, then face a twist of events which leads to the greatest Deus ex machina ever to befall on the villains of both games... Ganon.

The Minish Cap was merciful enough to divert our bleeding eyes from bipedal pigs suffering from cyanogen diseases (Or did it?) In fact, it introduced us to a new sage called Four Swords, and we got ourselves a new villain: Vaati.

However, a new baddie didn't count as an excuse for another atrocity that I'll mention later. Anyway, the sequels to Four Swords just had to involve (you guessed it) Ganon.
continuing to PART II...